


Tony Stark Is My Sugar Daddy

by high_functioning_sociopath



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Online Dating, Feels, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Memes, Millennial Bucky Barnes, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Texting, if crack were a person it would be bucky, just go with it, steve rogers and bucky barnes are twins, text fic, tinder au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21854212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/high_functioning_sociopath/pseuds/high_functioning_sociopath
Summary: Tony:I hate you. I'm going to actually do work just to get away from thisBucky:Who hurt you?Tony:Japanese emoticons killed my parentsBucky:Your parents aren't deadTony:...they did a bad job(AKA, the Tinder AU no one asked for.)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Comments: 35
Kudos: 165





	Tony Stark Is My Sugar Daddy

**Author's Note:**

> OH LOOK ANOTHER TEXT FIC WHAT A SURPRISE BET NO ONE SAW THAT COMING
> 
> I took liberties with what you can do on Tinder lmao just go with it
> 
> So I tried to format it all like messaging while still having the basis be written text here, so that's what it should relay. For example:  
>  **Bucky:** Blah  
>  **Bucky:** Blah  
>  _without_ spacing would mean the texts are sent one after another, like message bubbles, but:  
>  **Bucky:** Blah
> 
> **Bucky:** Blah  
>  _with_ spacing would mean there's some time between the texts. It should be mostly obvious anyway, based on what they say, but there you go =3
> 
> There's a moment at the end of the chapter where I (or rather, [RoseRose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseRose), the beautiful genius) channels a douchey fuckboy very well. Prepare the eye bleach lmao
> 
> All the images were found on Google or created using websites found on Google, as well as all kaomojis (aka (Japanese) emoticons) and weird/unique lettering (website links below).
> 
> Enjoy! <3

**Tony, 39**  
I went nearly 40 years without being a daddy and I wanna keep it that way for the foreseeable future

**Bucky, 28**  
"Eh, he's okay."  
~my family

5/27/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28**  
80's music brings me back to good times, like when I wasn't alive

5/28/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28**  
Punch Nazis. Punch their friends. Punch their elderly grandmothers. Punch. Nazis.

5/29/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28**  
I'll carve our names into a tree on our first date. It's the most romantic way to let you know I have a knife.

5/30/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28**  
"Sorry, I'm all out of shits to give," I say.

My friends think I'm callous. Really I'm just constipated.

5/31/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28**  
My brother gave me fiber, guys, thanks for the well wishes, shitting well now, bless 🙏

6/1/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28**  
Don't swipe right if you're not prepared to see me point to trash bags on the street and say "same" every time we got out

6/2/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28**  
Sometimes I wish I was born in 1917, because I'd be dead by now

6/3/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28  
** If you call yourself a gym rat, guarantee I'm imagining you on all fours sliding a pizza across the floor with your mouth to annoy the gym humans

6/4/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28  
** If you don't add 63 emojis to a copypasta before pasting it, what even is the purpose? Go big or go home.

6/5/19 _  
 **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

**Bucky, 28  
** Stop saying "Oh, God" in bed, taking the Lord's name in vain is a sin. Amen.

June 5, 2019, 2:22pm

 **Tony:** Homosexuality is a sin too, as far as I'm aware

 **Bucky:** I never claimed to be perfect  
 **Bucky:** Hello, welcome to my humble messages, what brings you here after 10 days?

 **Tony:** I saw your new bio and had questions

 **Bucky:** Ah, religion is your breaking point, eh?

 **Tony:** It was almost the constipation, but you seemed to be handling your shit well

 **Bucky:** That was so good and I hate you a little for it

 **Tony:** I thought so. I almost went with the knife one, but I felt like I had more to work with with the constipation  
 **Tony:** Unlike your bowels

 **Bucky:** This will be my legacy and I am honestly here for it

 **Tony:** Your mother will be so proud

 **Bucky:** I'll make sure it's engraved on my tombstone for that extra kick  
 **Bucky:** Here lies Bucky: He made poop jokes on Tinder

 **Tony:** 💩

 **Bucky:** I swear to god, Tony

 **Tony:** I thought we WEREN'T taking the Lord's name in vain

 **Bucky:** Only in bed, keep up

 **Tony:** You're right, that was my bad

 **Bucky:** Not to pry (absolutely to pry), but it's not even 3 on a Wednesday, so...

 **Tony:** Why am I on Tinder instead of working?

 **Bucky:** You said it, not me

 **Tony:** I'm in a meeting. It's boring.

 **Bucky:** Please tell me you're not at some shiny oak table with comfy leather chair surrounded by a bunch of old white men

 **Tony:** What else am I supposed to do, lie?

 **Bucky:** Harsh. Though I guess you're an old white man too, so you fit

 **Tony:** Excuse you, I'm not even middle-aged

 **Bucky:** Well, what's the meeting about?

 **Tony:** Blah blah stock prices blah blah profits blah blah. What is it you young folks say? I yearn for the sweet release of death.  
 **Tony:** If I could fire all of these people, I would

 **Bucky:** Do it. Fuck the old white men.

 **Tony:** Please do not make me fuck the old white men. I don't need a sugar daddy, I make a lot more than they do.

 **Bucky:** asdfghjkl;  
 **Bucky:** WAIT IS THAT WHAT YOUR BIO IS ABOUT

 **Tony:** Yes

 **Bucky:** HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED TO BE YOUR SUGAR BABY

 **Tony:** Too, too many

 **Bucky:** I wouldn't even know how to be a sugar baby. Sounds like a lot of work, I already have a job that crushes my soul, thanks

 **Tony:** I think the idea is that they can quit their soul crushing job and just have sex, which they're currently doing for free anyway

 **Bucky:** That's a mood

 **Tony:** What about you? What are you doing at 3pm on a Wednesday?

 **Bucky:** Shuffling papers around and pretending to work

 **Tony:** A useful skill

 **Bucky:** If you have a secretary, don't fire them if you catch them goofing off, we're just bored

 **Tony:** Honestly, my PA could throw an orgy in my office during work hours and I wouldn't fire her  
 **Tony:** Might buy a new desk, though

 **Bucky:** Be cheaper just to buy some Lysol

 **Tony:** I guess it would depend who was invited  
 **Tony:** If I was involved, I'd buy a new desk  
 **Tony:** I know where I've been

 **Bucky:** I know where I've been too  
 **Bucky:** Mostly McDonald's

 **Tony:** Maybe I'll spray you with Lysol

 **Bucky:** I suppose I should feel honored that you're willing to clean me instead of buying a new one

 **Tony:** I'm told buying people is frowned upon in our country

 **Bucky:** Damn it, you're right. This is why we all need to pledge our allegiance to Mother Russia

 **Tony:** Does Russia even have McDonald's?

 **Bucky:** No one has McDonald's. McDonald's has us.  
 **Bucky:** I, for one, am fully prepared to submit to our fast food overlord

 **Tony:** Does submitting mean I never have to attend a board meeting again?

 **Bucky:** Idk, your board might be able to answer that question for you. Or Ronald McDonald

 **Tony:** Do you have his number?

 **Bucky:** No, but try 1-800-ron-mcdon

 **Tony:** That's too many letters, it would be Ron mcdo and I'm afraid to find out who that might be

 **Bucky:** McDo or McDo Not, there is no try

June 5, 2019, 5:03pm

 **Tony:** Well, you did it. You made me snort laugh in my meeting and my PA confiscated my phone for the day.  
 **Tony:** I am 39 years old. I own my own company. Why do I give her the ability to confiscate my phone.

 **Bucky:** If your life was a video game, she'd be the final boss

 **Tony:** I'd forfeit

 **Bucky:** Smart

June 7, 2019, 2:54am

 **Bucky:** Are you awake?

 **Tony:** I'm always awake

 **Bucky:** I feel like this is a recurring issue with you and probably not something I should be supporting, BUT  
 **Bucky:** I have an obscene urge to just? Squirt ketchup in my mouth? I need you to convince me not to

 **Tony:** I  
 **Tony:** Why?

 **Bucky:** Help first, questions later

 **Tony:** You're right, that's on me. Don't eat the ketchup, young man.

 **Bucky:** daddy no

 **Tony:** Yeah, that's a no on "daddy"

 **Bucky:** This feels like a challenge

 **Tony:** I will vomit on everything you love

 **Bucky:** THAT feels like a challenge

 **Tony:** Is your ketchup urge gone, at least?

 **Bucky:** I mean, it WAS, why would you remind me? You're terrible at this

 **Tony:** Find someone else, then, I have a company to run

 **Bucky:** At 3am?

 **Tony:** Just...in general

 **Bucky:** The only other person in my life who would be awake right now is Steve and he'd just eat the ketchup with me because he doesn't know what impulse control is

 **Tony:** Apparently neither do you

 **Bucky:** Hey, I asked you to stop me, didn't I?

 **Tony:** Your first mistake

 **Bucky:** Fine, I'll ask Steve. Anything that happens from here on is officially your fault

 **Tony:** It usually is

**Bucky:**   


**Tony:** Why is your battery at 8%?

 **Bucky:** Is that really what you're focusing on here?

 **Tony:** Charge your phone, Bucky

 **Bucky:** No

 **Tony:** Charge your phone, Bucky

 **Bucky:** Please, one Steve is already too much

 **Tony:** Charge your phone, Bucky

 **Bucky:** OKAY FINE IT'S CHARGING ARE YOU HAPPY NOW

 **Tony:** =)

 **Bucky:** 🙂*

 **Tony:** No. Get your ugly emoji off my phone.

 **Bucky:** What?? And your equals parentheses bullshit looks good??

 **Tony:** Everything I do is amazing. If you're going to use a smiling emoji, at least do a better one.

 **Bucky:** Oh, you think you can do better?

 **Tony:** 😊  
 **Tony: 😚  
Tony: 😃  
Tony: 😄  
Tony: 💩  
Tony:** That last one is you. 'Cause you're full of shit

 **Bucky:** ...is that another constipation joke?

 **Tony:** It's always another constipation joke, Bucky

 **Bucky:** ...  
 **Bucky:** If you stop I'll let you pick my next bio change

 **Tony:** ...are there limits?

 **Bucky:** It's half past 3 in the morning, please don't make me regret this

 **Tony:** Bucky  
 **Tony:** Are there limits?

 **Bucky:** I'm going to regret this, I just know it  
 **Bucky:** ...  
 **Bucky:** No limits

 **Tony:** Deal, no take-backsies

 **Bucky:** Fuck me

 **Tony:** A 🍑? I would have guessed 🍆

 **Bucky:** That wasn't what I meant, but please tell me what made you think that so I can immediately change it

 **Tony:** Just... *gestures vaguely at your everything*

 **Bucky:** What? Do I need to dress in drag and do the hula?

 **Tony:** Like in the Lion King...?

**Bucky:**   


**Tony:** Like in the Lion King, gotcha

 **Bucky:** It's the circle of life, man

 **Tony:** Please tell me you're not about to aggressively reference the Lion King at me

 **Bucky:** No worries

 **Tony:** Good

 **Bucky:** For the rest of your daaays~

 **Tony:** Fuck me

 **Bucky:** I thought we already established I'm the 🍑???

 **Tony:** Good night, Buckaroo

 **Bucky:** The lion sleeps tonight...

 **Bucky:** Good night, sweet cheeks 😘

June 7, 2019, 9:03am

 **Tony:** "Pro: Loves cats  
Con: Will snuggle cat instead of you

Pro: Makes a mean guac  
Con: Doesn't know how to make anything other than guac

Pro: Can carry a tune  
Con: Will burst into song in public settings"

 **Bucky:** How are you awake and thinking? We were up until like 4

 **Tony:** You're awake and thinking too

 **Bucky:** Debatable

 **Tony:** This is normal for me, don't worry. Why were you up so late if you had to be up early?

 **Bucky:** Because I have no sense of self-care

 **Tony:** Bucky no

 **Bucky:** Bucky tired

 **Tony:** Bucky sleep

 **Bucky:** Bucky work

 **Tony:** Bucky pretend to work*

 **Bucky:** Lies and slander

 **Tony:** Do I need to screenshot yesterday's chat?

 **Bucky:** ...you win this round

 **Tony:** You should probably get used to that

 **Bucky:** I refuse. You may have won the battle, but I will win the war

 **Tony:** And what war is this?

 **Bucky:** The battle for your heart

 **Tony:** That was really dumb

 **Bucky:** I'M NOT SMOOTH AT 9 AM I'M SORRY

**Tony:**   


**Bucky:** I try very hard

**Tony:  
  
**

**Bucky:** oh no

**Tony:  
  
**

**Bucky:** tony pls 😭

 **Tony:** ...okay, fine, it was weirdly cute and now I'm hiding in my office so no one sees me blushing, I hope you're happy

 **Bucky:** °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

 **Tony:** Oh, god. You're one of 'those'

 **Bucky:** Uhhh, fight me?

 **Tony:** I can't imagine it'd be all that tough, you use emoticons

 **Bucky:** "Tony Stark, 5'8", 150lb"  
 **Bucky:** Fight me  
 **Bucky:** (ง'̀-'́)ง

 **Tony:** Did you just Google me to see if you could fight me?

 **Bucky:** If you could google me, you'd be very afraid right now. I am 8 feet tall. I lift 3,000 pound weights every day. My dinner is one (1) entire horse.

 **Tony:** Sounds like you're scared

 **Bucky:** No, you???

 **Tony:** Your intimidation tactics don't work on me, Buckaboo. My PA is Pepper Potts, I'm immune to you

 **Bucky:** Is that a challenge?

 **Tony:** You think everything is a challenge

 **Bucky:** Challenge accepted!

 **Tony:** I think you would need to be here to fully appreciate the deep sigh you made me give

 **Bucky:** I have that effect on people  
 **Bucky:** Behold! My glory. Afraid to fight me yet?  


 **Tony:** Is that...Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?

 **Bucky:** It's weirdly endearing that you insisted on doing his entire title, quotation marks and all, but NO, IT IS I

 **Tony:** That looks an awful lot like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

 **Bucky:** Are you going to type that out every time?

 **Tony:** What? Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?

 **Bucky:** ...  
 **Bucky:** Anyway, that's me. Feel free to back out now

 **Tony:** Prove it. Uncrop it.

 **Bucky:** Where is the trust, Tony?

 **Tony:** It died when you sent me a picture of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

 **Bucky:** Fine, if I must, then I must

 **Tony:** I knew you'd come around

 **Tony:** Sure taking your time uncropping that photo

 **Bucky:** I'm making sure I get it in exactly the right spot so you don't think I'm ugly, have patience

 **Tony:** Sounds like something someone pretending to be Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson would say

 **Bucky:** Say Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson one more time and I'm divorcing you

 **Tony:** When did we get married?

 **Bucky:** You forgot our wedding? Typical. Men are so selfish.

 **Tony:** Are you somehow exempt from this hyperbole?

 **Bucky:** I am an angel, Tony Stark. An absolute angel.

 **Tony:** I feel like an angel would have this photo for me already

 **Bucky:** What do you mean? It's been ready this whole time, I've just been waiting for you to ask

 **Tony:** Good

 **Bucky:** :)

 **Tony:** Bucky?

 **Bucky:** Yes, Tony?

 **Tony:** The photo?

 **Bucky:** Oh! Did you want it now?

 **Tony:** I wanted it five minutes ago

 **Bucky:** You know, you won't get very far in life with that attitude

 **Tony:** Google my net worth

 **Bucky:** Google mine. It's $12.99+tax

 **Tony:** Bucky...

 **Bucky:** Yes, Tony?

 **Tony:** Please may I see your photo?

 **Bucky:** Absolutely!  
 **Bucky:**  


 **Tony:** I-  
 **Tony:** I want to be mad  
 **Tony:** But the dedication  
 **Tony:** The /audacity/

 **Bucky:** Damn, Tony, it's just a selfie, calm down??

 **Tony:** How long did it take you to do that?

 **Bucky:** A while, I mean, it was really difficult taking a pic at the beach in the middle of the day and not have people walking in the shot and messing it up

 **Tony:** Oh my god, you're really going to keep this going?

 **Bucky:** Do you still not believe me? Relationships are built on trust, Tony

 **Tony:** ...I like your tattoo

 **Bucky:** ( ◞･౪･)

 **Tony:** Please stop

 **Bucky:** Okay, would you prefer if I said I like your face?

 **Tony:** It would be far less painful

 **Bucky:** Okay, I'll fix it, say you like my tattoo again

 **Tony:** I like your tattoo

 **Bucky:** ( ◞･౪･) I like your face

 **Tony:** I hate you. I'm going to actually do work just to get away from this

 **Bucky:** Who hurt you?

 **Tony:** Japanese emoticons killed my parents

 **Bucky:** Your parents aren't dead

 **Tony:** ...they did a bad job  
 **Tony:** Wait a sec, how did you photoshop that picture at work and not get in trouble?

 **Bucky:** ,-*'^'~*-.,_,.-*~ 🎀 𝓂𝒶𝑔𝒾𝒸 🎀 ~*-.,_,.-*~'^'*-,

 **Tony:** That's not special, most of those characters are found on any phone/keyboard

 **  
Bucky:** f̸̢̥͚̤̱̟̖́̿̉u̵͙͉̟͚̖̓̊̋̃̊͜c̷̟͚̄̈̃̑̽̕k̵̩̾̆̑͆̀̓̍̋̈́̓ ̵͓̠̯̜̤͇̟̒́ỏ̶̼͎̭̩̼͉̺̳̥͜f̴͎̥̞͚̗͖̾͑̾̋͝f̵͍͕͒͗͘

 **  
Tony:** What the fuck

 **Bucky:** (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ 😘 ♥

June 7, 2019, 6:56pm

 **Bucky:** This is entirely your fault  


 **Tony:** How is that MY fault?

 **Bucky:** Your damn bio choice!!!

 **Tony:** What the fuck, that bio was so innocent

 **Bucky:** Never underestimate a fuckboy, Tony. Never. Underestimate. A fuckboy.

 **Tony:** I refuse to accept blame for this

 **Bucky:** Take responsibility, or at least pay for bleach I have to drown my eyes in now

 **Tony:** Nope

 **Bucky:** Fine. But what happens next is on you, Tony Stark.

 **Tony:** I'm quaking in my designer shoes

6/8/19  
 _ **Bucky updated his bio! Come see!**_

 **Bucky, 28**  
Tony Stark is my sugar daddy

6/8/19  
 _ **Tony updated his bio! Come see!**_

 **Tony, 39**  
I most certainly am the fuck not

**Author's Note:**

> At posting, all images seem to work, if they break at any point, feel free to let me know!
> 
> Ope, there's chapter one! I wasn't gonna post it until I finished it, but what the heck, here ya go. This and a small feels-y scene for later are all I have written so far (and I have some basic ideas out there), and I am a slow writer, so just fair warning that I don't expect this to go too quickly, haha. So if it goes a bit without an update, just assume it's my slow ass and not me abandoning this.
> 
> [Fake Tinder match](https://tinderkit.com/)  
> [Fake texts](https://ifaketextmessage.com/)  
> [Fake Tinder message](http://tindermaker.com/)  
> [Kaomojis](http://kaomoji.ru/en/)  
> [Fonts/weird stuff at the end](https://igfonts.io/)


End file.
